beautiful addiction

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I’ve been without a job since the middle of March. That’s a long time, people. That’s over 4 months of me sitting at home, trying to amuse myself all day until Dave gets home from work. I fill my days with online paid surveys (we need the extra cash!), cleaning, menu planning, running errands, grocery shopping, and cooking. I have a growing list of blogs that I read via Google Feeder and I spend way too much time on the internet for my own damn good. Our TiVo hasn’t been cleaned out in weeks and I have a shelf overflowing with books I need to read.

I’m restless.

I love the time off. I love being able to spend my time each day however I please. I know that I should enjoy every last second because once I get a job and start classes again, I won’t have time to do the things I’ve become accustomed to over the past few months.

The only problem is, nobody is calling me back when I submit my resume. I’ve had 2 interviews since I lost my job, and they were within the first 2 weeks of being jobless. Since then? Nothing. Not one single phone call.

I’d like to think I’m not this useless!

I’d love it if we could afford for me to continue to be a stay at home wife. Then I could really settle into the “role” and not be stressed about all the what-ifs and questions that surround my going back to work in the (hopefully) near future. Instead, I don’t want to get too comfortable because I know it’s not going to last forever. Which leaves me feeling like I’m stuck in this middle ground where I can’t enjoy each day to the fullest of its potential. Rather, I’m worried and stressed and somewhat bored because I don’t want to let myself start to ENJOY it all too much.

This summer is going to fly by. We’ll be in Chicago for a week in August on a business trip for Dave’s job. Then we leave for Myrtle Beach exactly 3 weeks after we get back from Chicago. Once we get back from Myrtle Beach, classes start up again for me a few weeks after that. (Tuesdays and Thursdays I’m in class from 2-4p and 6-10p. Those are going to be some loooong days. I’m hoping I can do my homework and everything in the 2 hours between the 2 sets of classes from 4-6p, that way I will have more free time at home with Dave during the evenings and on weekends rather than worrying about homework.)

I just needed to rant a bit. My life feels like it’s going nowhere and I’ve gone from this successful young woman who had it all, to this whiny, unemployed girl who can’t find her place in life anymore…

Over the past few months I have spent countless hours in waiting rooms to seen by my doctors. I hate waiting. I hate making an appointment for 10am and then not getting a glimpse of the doctor until 10:45, only for them to rush back out of the room because they “forgot something”. I don’t know about them, but appointments mean something to me. Being on time is something I like to add to my list of strengths. My time apparently means nothing and is ok to be wasted…but if you’re a half hour late? You get charged (even if they can’t fit you in to still see the doctor) and most often have to come back another day. So they want you to be on time…they just don’t have the time to fit you in at your scheduled appointment slot! It’s ridiculous.

There have been times where I’ve been waiting so long that I thought the nurse had forgotten to put my chart outside the door or something. Sitting in a little room for an hour without so much as a “the doctor will be with you in just a few minutes, sorry for the wait” is really kind of unforgivable. And yet I’m always too shy to actually open the door and peek out or ask what’s going on. So I sit. I watch the clock. I play on my cell phone. And, always, the doctor comes rushing in all frazzled like the world is crashing down around her.

Went to the dermatologist this morning to see how the meds are working for me. Turns out my blood work came back fine, aside from being a little anemic (which I’ve been for a while). The doctor said that he wants to start weening me off the Dapsone over the next few months. There are pros and cons.

Pros? If we can ween me off the medication it’s possible I will go into remission for an indefinite period of time. That’s a good thing. I don’t believe I should be taking medication if I don’t necessarily need it. So I would love to be off this for however long it could be.

Cons? He’s had patients before that, when weened off, their symptoms come right back and then the Dapsone doesn’t work as effectively as it had the first time around meaning that treatment can get difficult at that point. He dropped me from 50mg/daily down to 12.5/daily…so I guess we’ll cross this road if and when it comes.