beautiful addiction

In preparation for 2009, I’ve made a list of 109 things I want to accomplish and/or experience over the coming year.  Took me a few days to compile the list.  I wanted things that would be fun, challenging, some easy, some hard…so it was a little bit of effort.  But I’m glad the list is done and posted and I’m ready to start crossing things off!  Some of the the things will make our summer full of new road trips and day outings with friends.  Some things are more personal.  Some will get the creative part of me more active (reading, writing, photography).  I’m excited for the things I have planned.

We plan on having a decently frugal New Year’s Eve.  No fancy parties for us.  We’re having 4 friends over to our place.  I’m making a big crockpot full of my yummy chili and a few batches of cheese and black bean quesadillas to munch on.  We have more alcohol than we know what to do with (leftover from purchases throughout the year), so no need to buy anything except beer for the hubby.

We leave for Las Vegas next Monday!  A week with my brother, his wife, and my niece.  Hoping the weather is nicer there than it has been…they got a huge snowstorm last week!  It should be a rather cheap vacation, as we plan on doing some free sightseeing and only going out to dinner once (at The Pink Taco, an amazing Mexican restaurant in the Hard Rock hotel).  We’re staying at my brother’s house, so no need for a hotel.  And we decided to go to the grocery store when we get there to get groceries for the week and split costs with my brother.  I’ve got a decent amount of money saved up, and I’m expecting we won’t even use half of it.  Which means I’ll have a decent deposit into our emergency fund once we get home!

I’m ready for a new year.  A new start.  I know the shiny, glittery feeling of a new year will fade shortly after it hits…but it’s still a good feeling while it lasts.

Last night I took 1 and a half muscle relaxers and one pain pill because I was a) tense and b) in pain.  Makes sense, no?  I knew the combination of the two would be knocking me on my ass within an hour after takin them, and sure enough, I fell asleep sitting up on the loveseat while watching TV.  I laid down with my legs spread across Dave’s lap and slept some more, only to wake up, have a glass of milk and head to bed again.  I slept like a baby until 5am this morning when my alarm went off for work.

Went to work, did my 5 hour shift of bullshit and came home to eat lunch.  I was sorta awake, so did some stuff on the computer and then started watching episodes of Law & Order: SVU Season 1 through Netflix instant play on the XBox.  I didn’t even get through the first episode before I was sleeping.  And I slept for the next 4 hours!  I’m talking, DEEP deep sleep.  It’s almost as if the muscle relaxer carried over into today because I couldn’t even keep my eyes open.  It was crazy.

Now I’m wide awake.  We watched Mr. Foe on Netflix instand play, I made dinner (hamburgers) and now I’m catching up on my Google Reader.  We’re heading up north to my mom’s house tomorrow evening when Dave get’s off work.  Looks like practically the entire state is on a winter weather advisory through tomorrow.  We’re supposed to get up to 9 inches by tomorrow night, with sleet and freezing rain mixed in. Oh joy.  The 3-hour ride up to my mom’s house should be…interesting.  I hope it doesn’t take us all night!  We have to stop somewhere on the way up to meet up with Dave’s dad to exchange gifts, and he wants to give me some cookbooks so I can do some menu planning for him.

We’ll stay at my mom’s house tomorrow night (since we’ll probably be getting there kind of late in the evening) and head into town early Christmas morning to spend it with Dave’s family (his mom, 2 brothers and baby sister).  I guess his mom is making biscuits and gravy for breakfast!  Yummy!  Then the afternoon will be spent with my family at my mom’s house.

Should be a fun and busy day and a half with both of our families!

1. Dave and I bought a mini 2 foot prelit garland tinsel tree last night and I set it up on our kitchen table. I added pink, red, and white glass bulbs to it and put a little mini tree skirt around the bottom!  It’s adorable.  We also put white Christmas lights around the entire living room and down the hallway so at night the whole apartment looks pretty!
2. I bought the stuff to make chocolate covered pretzels and peppermint bark, just haven’t made it yet. Was going to do it last night, but we got too caught up in decorating.  I need to make a lot of both because I’m giving them to family in cute little tins as part of their Christmas presents.
3. I got all my Christmas shopping done except for 1 item!  And everything is wrapped, and the gift basket for my sisters and the moms are put together and wrapped nicely in red saran wrap wit ribbon!  I’m so relieved to be done with it all.
4. I finished the last book in the Twilight Saga last night (Breaking Dawn) and I’m sad the series is over.  But now I’m starting in on the Laurell K. Hamilton Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series.  And I ordered the Sookie Stackhouse Box Set online the other night for 50% off (the books that the show True Blood on HBO are based on).  I’ll have my fill of vampires at some point, I’m sure.  But until then, I’m fully stocked.
5. I have a job interview tomorrow for a full time medical receptionist position.  She seemed interested in me and I hope it goes well.  The only things that could hurt my chance is the fact I’m in school and the job is 8-5 Monday through Friday (class at 4 on Tuesday and Thursday next semester…although the semester is only 10 weeks long) and the fact I’ll be in Las Vegas to visit family for a week in January and I can’t cancel because we already have our plane tickets purchased.  Here’s hoping she can work around those, because this job seems right up my alley and I think it would even qualify for my 2nd internship this Spring that I will need to graduate.  Wish me luck.
6. I was up late last night, slept in until almost 2pm, got up and ate, watched 2 episodes of CSI: Miami and then slept for another 2 hours.  I think it has something to do with the doctor’s dosing down my steroids (which is good, because they cause weight gain, remember?).  I’m just so tired all the time.  That, and the weather could probably have something to do with it. I saw all of 2 hours of daytime because when I woke up from my nap at 6, it was already dark.  No serotonin increase for me today.  Sunlight does not exist in Michigan in the winter.
7. For those who have asked, my sister is doing good for now.  We’re hoping things only get better and she stays clean.  She’s been doing well, though, on her own and that’s all we can hope for for now.

I absolutely love waking up and checking to see what the newest featured charity is over at One Dollar Give and being able to make my $1 donation.  This morning I was happy to see Children’s Miracle Network as their spotlight, and wish I could really do more than $1 at this time.  I want to make sure I’ve got the funds to donate to each charity this month, and with money being so tight…$1 is a great compromise.  Go see how you can donate to CMN!

My sister texted me around 3am to tell me that our mom is in the hospital for kidney stones. My sister drove her there around midnight and they admitted her and will either be doing surgery this morning or shipping her to another hospital across the state to do the surgery.  I feel so bad because they’re still paying medical bills for the last time my stepdad was in the hospital with kidney stones.  I hope she feels better and the surgery goes quick and painlessly for her.

My grandma is doing worse.  My mom said that grandma’s legs and ankles are so swollen she can barely walk and she’s still having a lot of trouble breathing.  My mom feels that grandma’s kidneys are shutting down even more and fears she won’t make it through the holidays.  Please keep her in your prayers that she at least gets to spend this last Christmas with the people who love her and the people she loves.  I know my mom is going to be lost when the time comes to say goodbye…

I went to the gym yesterday between classes and although I got a side cramp at 33 minutes, I kept pushing and did my full 60 minutes.  Last time I did 60 minutes I was able to do 4.5 miles, this time I only did 4.09 because the cramp slowed me down.  I did, however, do the first 3/4 of a mile jogging without ANY walking (4.5mph) so that felt good.  My stamina is increasing it seems.  I’m really sore today, though.  Guess that’s what I get for not working out for 2 weeks and then pushing myself really hard yesterday.  Every joint and muscle in my body is feeling it this morning.  It’s worth it though.  I feel so good after my run (ok…jog…lol).

So, I’m always slow to jump on the bandwagon.  It took me until after the LAST Harry Potter book was released before I even started reading the series.  Looks like I’ve done the same with the Twilight series.  People…don’t keep letting me do this!  How could I lived so long without knowing the love of a young vampire boy!? 

Admittedly, I’m only about halfway through Twiglith, but I’ve got the other three books waiting for me on my desk.  I ordered them all through a book club I’m a member of, all hardcover, for VERY cheap, we’re talking like $8-10 each.  Gotta love buy 1 get 1 free deals!

Anyway, I’m engulfed and I wish I would’ve read sooner so that I could’ve gone to see the movie sooner.  As it is, I’m hoping to maybe see it this week if we have time.  I’m sure Dave is just absolutely thrilled about that! haha

Moving on.

My sister.  She wants into rehab down where I live, but when I called around nobody will accept her insurance because she doens’t live in my county.  I called mom and told her that if Britt is serious about coming to stay with me and going into rehab, she has to literally change over her drivers license and all her info to become a resident of my county in order to be eligible for treatment here.  Long process?  Maybe.  We’ll see.  It’s definitley worth the “hassle” to me.

Next topic…food! I love food.

Still been eating healthy…weight has been fluxuating all this week, but I’m pretty sure it’s all water weight and such.  Trying to limit my intake on salt, increase the veggies and lean meats.  All good changes.  I’m in the habit of oatmeal in the morning (with whatever goodies I can find to make it yummy…pumpkin, fruit, granola, nuts, peanut butter, etc.) which holds me over for a few hours usually.  Today I had a delicious baby spinach and shrimp salad with mixed veggies and a balsamic vinegar dressing along with some apple slices…had that around 3:30p and I’m still full over 2 hours later.

We have company over tonight, so I’m planning on making a makeshift chicken parmesan meal out of oven baked chicken breasts (boneless skinless) with melted pepperjack cheese, marinara and pasta/marinara on the side.  It’ll be whole wheat pasta for me!  I love cooking.  Hell…last night around 11p Dave was hungry and I asked what he wanted and he said fried potatoes.  So I got up, sliced up some taters and fried ‘em with olive oil and spices on the stove for him.  I don’t think he expected me to do that!  But I love being in the kitchen.

I made some healthy pumpkin oat muffins last night too.  They aren’t sweet, but they’re hearty and filling.  The only “sugar” in them is the applesauce…and it’s unsweetened, so its no wonder they aren’t as sweet as I expected.  But they’re only 82 calories each, and they’re packed with fiber and protein (thanks to the oats, pumpkin, sunflower seeds and flax).  I’m all for trying new things and they make a great midmorning snack with a few chocolate chips!

Um.  Hmm.  Oh!  Thanksgiving.  How could I forget?  We usually go to Dave’s aunt’s house for turkey day, but this year we are going to have dinner with just his dad.  Just the 3 of us.  Which will be a nice change of pace.  I enjoy his family, but I hate being asked a million questions since we only see them at family get togethers a few times per year.  If I’m going to spend a crazy holiday with a bunch of people, I would’ve much rather have been up with my mom and family, but they celebrated last weekend since my stepdad will be working all this week out of town.

Anyway.  Dave has tomorrow and Thursday off, so after my dentist appointment tomorrow evening at 5:30 (late, I know…I love that about my dentist though.  They’re flexible and I made the appointment months ago when I still had a 7-5p job) we’ll be heading up to his dad’s house (an hour away) to stay the night and then help cook turkey dinner Thursday.  I asked if he wanted me to bring anything and he said to just bring the dessert!  Pumpkin pie and whipped cream it is.  Mmm.

We’ll be coming home semi-early on Thursday since I have to be up for work at 2am…yeah, you read that right.  I’m scheduled 3a until 11:30a.  Good ol’ retail and Black Friday.  At least it will go by fast.  I hope.  Here’s hoping we’re crazy busy and the time flies by.

This has gotten extremely long.  Guess I had a lot more to chit chat about than I originally thought!

Thank you to all of you who commented and emailed about my sister.  Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.  She is out of the hospital and at home with family.  I talked to her yesterday on the phone and I think I got through to her.  I basically laid it out for her that, yes, her life probably DOES suck right now and she probably DOES feel like she is a failure.  Emphasis and feel.  I encouraged her to get help and told her that I would do whatever possible for her.  I told her that she has a long life ahead of her.  She’s only 19 and there’s still time to achieve her dreams.  I made sure to reiterate that I was NOT trying to make her feel bad or guilty or point my finger in blame.  I know that the choices that she makes are not choices she would make under normal circumstances and it’s really the addiction making those decisions for her.

She emailed me this morning telling me she found an outpatient clinic near me that she’s interested in.  She asked if I would call and check it out for her and also wanted to know if my offer for her to come stay with Dave and me was still on the table.  I told her I would call tomorrow and get more info, and that if was dedicated to getting clean and going into rehab, she could stay with me as long as she needs to.  There are better treatment centers down where I live compared to the town where we grew up in (where she still lives).  I sense a long and hard road ahead of us (entire family included) but she’s worth fighting for and I would give anything to see her back to old self.  She made the comment that she doesn’t even remember who she used to be and what she used to be like.  I assured her that we’d find that person again and told her that I loved her and reminded her how special she was.  She cried the whole time we were on the phone and she thanked me and said she loved me, too.

In other news…my grandma is not doing too well, either.  Her kidneys are functioning at or around 50% and she’s on oxygen and a nebulizer.  They have her on steroids to help her breathe, but she isn’t getting much better…she barely has the energy to get out of bed, let alone move around the house.  No appetite either.  Doctors are basically giving her meds just to keep her comfortable in the meantime…

When it rains it pours?

The hospital admitted Brittanie.  She may have heart damage from the overdose.  Still don’t know anything else, other than she’s conscious.  Mom will keep me updated.  *sigh*

I’m still a firm believer that middle of the night phone calls are never a good thing… my mom called me at 6 this morning (ok, so not technically middle of the night…but still, early) to let me know that my sister was, once again, in the hospital.  It’s only been 19 days since she was last there. I don’t think wake up calls work for her…

Britt apparently shot heroin (my mom found the needles and stuff in the bedroom) and then followed it with 15 cold pills with dextromethorphan in ‘em.  Her boyfriend got in the shower and left her in the bedroom alone and our other sister (Brandi) walked in to find her not breathing and she had already turned blue.  Brandi started yelling and slapping her and she came to…but had she not found her…Britt would be gone.  Forever.

All of this…watching my sister slowly kill herself through drug addiction, seeing the pain it causes my family, feeling helpless…it’s breaking my heart.  Each day.  Every time.  Every phone call.

My mom couldn’t even sit with her in the hospital without feeling sick.  Brandi (Britt’s twin) is sitting with her but she, too, feels sick.  Britt is incoherent and when she is semi-awake, she’s yelling at the doctors not to touch her.  Brandi sent me a picture of Britt in the hospital bed…and the reality of it all just brought tears to my eyes.

Then I was sitting there, looking at the picture and it dawned on me…I haven’t seen Brittanie since June. I went up to visit family last weekend but Brittanie never came out to my mom’s house to see us.  She was too busy getting doped up.  She was the main reason I made the trip home, because I know she’s been having a rough time lately.  (Understatement of the year, apparently.)

This whole entry sounds so…dry.  I’m trying not to get sucked into the emotion of it all right now.  I can’t handle another crying meltdown like last time.  But I wanted to get it all out.  Get it off my chest.  Dave is up north at the cabin hunting until Sunday, so I was alone when I got the phone call.  And there’s something about hearing my mom cry at 6am that doesn’t sit well with me.

What is there to do when every effort you make is futile and every word you say is ignored? Where do you go from there? How do you help those who won’t help themselves?

I was just drifting off to sleep when my phone went off around 20 after midnight…it was my mom. Not a good sign.

“Your sister just got taken to the hospital by ambulance.”

“What? Who?” I was still half groggy.

“Your sister.”

Didn’t take long to wake up at that point. Apparently she had called my mom crying hours earlier with a fever and she couldn’t stop throwing up.  She was calling asking my mom for pills. For something to take the edge off. (My mom has pain medication due a work injury from years ago.)  Mom explained to her that she wasn’t going to give her any pills…that if she’s throwing up, it wouldn’t help anyway. And besides, she wasn’t going to enable my sister at this point.

My sister is a heroin addict.  She’s not quite 20  yet and she’s addicted to heroine…and it breaks my heart to even write that, but it’s the God awful truth.

So apparently she kept throwing up and her fever wouldn’t break and she started convulsing/seizing up and her ex-boyfriend tried to get her to the car and take her to the hospital, but she couldn’t make it and he had to call 911.

I’m sure it’s drug related. My mom thinks she got some “bad” drugs (an oxymoron right? aren’t all drugs bad?).

You don’t even know the effect this has on me.  I love my sisters more than anything in the world (they’re twins).  Seeing my sister addicted to heroin for the past 3-4 years is completely and utterly heartbreaking. I keep feeling like I’m going to the be the one to fix her, even though I don’t think I can.  She’s the reason I changed majors and am now going to school for Human Services/Psychology.

I texted a good friend when I got off the phone with my mom, tell him what was going on and hoping he had something to say to ease my mind.  His response?

Have a nice talk with God. I’m sure it’ll help you sleep. Prayer can be really comforting. Knowing that you can take some of your thoughts and worries and take that stress off of you and put it on God. If you believe, that is. You have great friends and family.  And with as much trouble as those girls get in, I’m sure He’s keeping a close on them. Try not to worry too much. And pray if it’ll help.

It made me cry. And I’m sitting here bawling at the fact that I can’t change the world and I can’t make things better for my sister despite the fact that I only want the best for her.  She doesn’t understand how much we need her to be ok and get better and get help.

My heart is breaking.

And I’m off to pray for the first time in years.

I just got a call from one of my sisters (they’re twins) to announce that she’s engaged as of last night.  I’m super excited for her and hope for the best!  She’s been with her boyfriend for a year now, and he’s a great kid (I say kid because he seems so much younger than me, but he’s 21).

The funny thing is that his mom was my accounting teacher and academic advisor at my community college.  She was my firts real mentor and real inspiration.  Unfortunately, after another 2 years at a different college, I decided accounting wasn’t for me.  Maybe things would’ve been different had I had a mentor like her down here.  I even housesat for them while they were out of town for Thanksgiving once!

And now, I will be related to her in June of next year.

Weird how the world turns.

I love you baby girl.