I’ve noticed some transformations within myself lately. I stopped taking all prescription medications other than my birth control a few weeks ago. The anti-anxiety medication wasn’t working anyway, and it only made me feel sick and nauseous when I took it. After two months of waiting it out, I decided to quit taking it. I did some research and found some herbal supplements that are supposed to help with anxiety, so I started taking those. I’ve been taking them for almost 2 weeks now and I can tell a major difference in my moods. I no longer have that underlying anxiety that I kept trying to ignore. It’s gone.

Another thing that I’ve been doing is reframing my negative thoughts, which is a cognitive behavior therapy technique. I’m really surprised that I hadn’t started doing this sooner, especially since I took a class in it a few semesters ago! Anyway, the precipice of reframing and changing the self-talk (thoughts you think to yourself such as “I’m fat” or “I’m no good”, etc) is to stop the negative thinking cycle.

I’ve begun using this technique almost daily. Before I would get so stressed out and anxiety ridden when I thought about everything I had to do that day and how I never have free time and how depressing it all was. For example, I might wake up one morning and realize that I have to work, and then I have an appointment, and then I have to go intern for a few hours before coming home to make dinner and do homework. I realize that means I will have no time for myself and I will be bouncing from one responsibility to the next. In the past I would dwell on that all day until I was sick with stress and anxiety, literally.

Now, if I find myself in that situation, I will allow myself to run through my to do list mentally for a moment or two, and then I refocus on the here and now. Instead of thinking about how I will be running around from 6am until 8pm, I focus on the current task at hand. I go to work and concentrate on doing my best and getting through my shift. I don’t allow myself to think past that point until I clock out and am ready to take on the next task or appointment. At that point, I put my work day behind me and focus on the next thing, which might be an appointment I have to be at. And I do this for each thing throughout the day in order to get myself through everything without becoming stressed or nauseous or grumpy.

Whenever I find myself focusing or dwelling on something that makes me feel unwell or unsettled, I reframe my thoughts and focus on the things I can control or have to deal with in that moment. There is no point in stressing over something I have to do next week because I have no control over it right now. Stressing will only make me nauseous and agitated, which then puts me in a bad mood and that effects not only myself, but those around me.

It has been an enlightening experience to be able to do this and continue doing this each day so as to eliminate the stress in my life. It all sounds so simple, but I had become so used to stress and over analyzing and focusing on all the negative things or the long list of things that needed to be done. Being able to confront my self-talk (“I have so much crap to do today, I’ll never get it done. I’m so stressed out and never have time for anything fun.”) and being able to reframe those negative thoughts and feelings has made a huge impact on how I feel.

I’m thinking that between the work I am doing internally with the cognitive behavior techniques and the herbal supplements I am taking, I feel ten times better than I did just a few weeks ago. I knew I had to make some changes. I was not feeling like myself and that scared me. Thankfully these adjustments have made the difference I was seeking.

Feeling very anxious about all the stuff I have to do this week, which is really nothing more than what I normally do, but I’m just ready to be done with most of it (classes, interning, homework, etc).  This is my last week of regular classes.  Tomorrow I have to give a presentation in my Family Support Strategies class.  Thursday I basically just have to show up at my Intern Seminar II class.  Then I’m done with my on-campus classes.  I have two more weeks of my online class (Social Problems) and I cannot wait to be rid of that class.  So much homework and a horrible instructor.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.  I cannot tell you why just yet, but please do so.  I don’t want to jinx myself!  I’ll tell you more Thursday evening if all goes well.

Um…interning this week is somehow wearing me out.  Probably because I’m down to the last few weeks (only about 30 hours left) and the main project I’m working on is basically complete thus far and I’m bored.  Tomorrow I get to attend a meeting for the project I’m doing, and then next week I’m volunteering all day at a golf tournament for charity.  Other than that, it’s just a lot of sitting around haha.  I love the organization I intern at, I just don’t have much to do anymore.

Hate feeling anxious.  Hate it.  I stopped taking my anti-anxiety meds, though, because they were constantly making me nauseous and I really don’t think they were helping.  Bummer.  Plus I don’t have health insurance now so it’s a good thing I’m not really on any medications, so to speak.

Yesterday was my court date for the divorce.  It went by quickly and painlessly and I know we both agree we are better off.  Happier.  And that’s all I ever really wanted.  Who knows whether or not we will turn into some bitter divorcees.  I suppose time will tell.  It’s the end of a very long chapter of my life, and at least I have a lot of fond memories to look back on so as not to feel as if all time was wasted.  Although I’m sure that’s how he feels.  There’s no convincing him otherwise, and I suppose that’s his decision.  Oh well.

Here’s to getting through this week without being extremely overburdened with stress and anxiety!  I need summer vacation like you wouldn’t believe.

I used to love the song “Wide Open Spaces” by the Dixie Chicks when I was in my late teens.  I identified with it.  I was graduating high school, moving out on my own with my high school sweetheart, and whenever I heard that song…I would often cry.  Not from sadness, but from joy and determination.  I needed my own space…I needed to experience life and its obstacles on my own.  And I did.  I used to say that song was my life song…the one that fully hit me deep down in my heart and my soul.

Over the years, I still find that I love that song.  When I hear it, I sing from the heart and often get choked up and find it hard to sing in pitch.  It takes me back to a time when life was easier, life was calmer and I had eyes full of excitement and energy.  It makes me think of good times and happy places and the people who meant the world to me.

However, I find that I don’t exactly relate to it the way that I used to anymore.  I wasn’t sure what my “life song” was until recently.  And as much as I tried not to like it…the song “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus (I know, right?!) has seeped into my body and my heart and I know that this will be the next “life song” for this portion of my life.

I can almost see it, That dream I am dreaming, But there’s a voice inside my head saying, “You’ll never reach it” …

It makes me feel as if I’m not alone in the fact that I wanted something different than what I was used to for so long…that I had difficult decisions to make and that I was about to encounter my next “mountain”.  As much as I struggled to get to where I am right now in this moment, I did it and I am proud of myself for persevering and going after what I wanted, even if it means starting over at the age of 25.  Someone once told me that there was no such thing as “complete happiness”, and maybe they were right, but there is such thing as being happier in one stage of your life than you were in another.  And I am.

The struggles I’m facing, The chances I’m taking, Sometimes might knock me down, But no, I’m not breaking …

I’m graduating from college in less than two weeks with my second degree.  And although it’s not a Bachelor Degree, it will be eventually.  I have faith in the choices I have made to get to where I am in my education.  I don’t get down on myself for throwing four years of education in Accounting down the drain.  It wasn’t going to make me happy.  My redirection in the field I am persuing now is something that I feel passionate about.  And if you know me, you know why.  You know the love and faith that I have for my sisters, Brittanie and Brandi, and you know that I would do anything to help them through the struggles they’ve seen and are still experiencing.  It is my goal to work with children and youth…to guide them and show them someone cares, so that they don’t feel lost on a neverending road.  So that they don’t turn to drugs and addiction. I couldn’t change it for my sisters, but I want to change it for someone else.

I may not know it, But these are the moments that, I’m gonna remember most, yeah, Just gotta keep going, And I, I got to be strong, Just keep pushing on…

Another challenge and “mountain” (per say) that I have climbed and overcome recently is my own dependence with prescription pain killers.  After being diagnosed with a painful immune deficiency a year and a half ago and being put on pain killers for that amount of time, I just stopped.  I stopped taking them.  It’s been a week today since I had a Vicodin, and I know that may not seem like much to any of you…but having been on them so long and taken anywhere from 2 to 8 Vicodin each day…going cold turkey and being able to stay away from the full bottle I have sitting 10 feet from me IS a big deal.  I went through the typical symptoms of withdrawal and detox and I made it to the end of that tunnel.

Keep on moving, keep climbing, Keep the faith, baby, It’s all about, it’s all about the climb, Keep the faith, keep your faith …

I’ve always been prone to headaches, ever since I was younger.  Then I started getting migraines when I was in my late teens and it got so bad to the point where the doctor sent me to get an MRI because I was having them daily for a few weeks.  Everything came back fine and since then I don’t get them very often.  In fact, I haven’t had a really bad migraine (to where I’ve had to take my prescription medication for it) in over a year.  Until last night.

I started getting a headache earlier in the day at work.  It progressed throughout the day and when Will and I got home from dinner with his sister and her fiance and daughter, I was ready to lay down.  I fell asleep but the throbbing kept waking me up.  I was restless and finally just decided to get up and it turned into a full blown migraine, worse than I’ve had in a long, long time.  At the point where I was laying by the screen door to get fresh air and tears were streaming down my face, Will asked what else he could do.  I had him locate my prescription for Relpax from the doctor and he took me out to a 24 hour pharmacy to get it filled at 10pm.  Within 20 minutes of taking it, the headache subsided and I was able to fall asleep on the couch by him while he played a video game.

Around midnight or 1am, he woke me up so we could go to bed.  I went to find my phone and glasses and he said, “You’re phone is already in the bedroom, as are your glasses.  I also put your bottle of Vitamin water in the fridge because you had a bottle of water on your nightstand.  I cleaned up, the door is locked and everything is taken care of.  Let’s just get you to bed.”

I’m glad he was here to take care of me because without him I wouldn’t have been able to get my migraine meds as I didn’t trust myself to drive in that state of pain.

1. Went to the shooting range yesterday with Will and his dad.  His dad let us shoot some of his handguns and I had a really fun time!  I shot a 9mm, .38 special, a .45 and a 357 revolver.  I didn’t do too bad, either.  My favorite one to shoot was the revolver.  I was pretty accurate with that gun.  The .38 I didn’t do too well with.  Out of 5 shots, only 3 hit the target haha.  It had a bit more kick than what I was expecting.  The 9mm wasn’t too bad and the .45 was pretty nice.  Thinking about getting my concealed weapons permit in the near future.
2. Also had Will’s dad over for dinner after shooting.  I had made beef stew in the crockpot and then made peanut butter fudge brownies.  Was nice to have him over.
3. Bought new curtains for the living room and bedroom.  They’re called “blackout curtains” and they block up to 99% of light from coming into the room.  This is especially nice when watching movies in the living room or trying to sleep in on weekends, haha.  They were all on sale at JCPenney and Sears, so I got a good deal.  Saved over $75 on all the ones I bought.
4. I’m going to be 25 in 10 days.  OMG.
5. Just took a nap and I feel groggy.  Going to go play some Rock Band.